God (the Christian god), I am confused about you. I have been healed through you, and wounded by you.
I feel moved and inspired when I read about the ways Jesus gave attention and kindness to those at the bottom of society. I also feel confused and angry when I read about the ways you seem to condone violent oppression.
I have been relieved, watching my family become less violent and angry after praying to you and reading the bible, which is called your word. I felt grief when I watched my family punish and shame each other in your name, using your word.
I learned to value compassion and justice from people who say they follow you. I experienced betrayal from those same people: gossiped about, and outed by them.
I’m not sure who you are. Through you, I found comfort and also pain. I longed for answers from you, I felt uncertain about you, and anxious because of it. But I am starting to accept my uncertainty. I am beginning to accept that I have many questions, and few answers.
Sometimes, in prayer, I felt a presence that gave me an inexplicable sense of healing and love. I used to think that was you, but I’m not sure now. I just know that it is something beautiful and beyond me.
In recent years, I notice that presence through different life-giving things: nature, music, time spent with loving friends, time spent loving myself, and sometimes at church. I don’t have a name for it, and I don’t know if it’s you, but I know I need it. I’m going to keep searching for that presence.
To whoever is reading this: If you also feel confused about faith, know that it’s okay not to have answers. May you find what is healing and life-giving for you, no matter what name it goes by. If you feel at peace with your faith, may you accept others as they ask questions and maybe find answers different from your own. All I hope is that what we each find will lead us to true healing, love, and justice.